So then, I guess you'd probably like to know more about
the fine, upstanding human being who designed and wrote this magnificent
piece of artistry that is;
'Forest.News'.
Well, let me tell you a bit about myself then...........oh go
on..please........cheers..
AGE:
22
DATE OF BIRTH:
23/5/77 (make a note in your
diary)
HOBBIES:
Football, Music, Cars, Beer, Women, Football,
Beer, Cars and Women.....oh and Football.
Right, that's the official stuff out of the way, now what about the man within?
I was born in Madeley, Staffordshire, which is in the
West Midlands, which is in England, which is in Europe.
I am a long term Nottingham Forest fan, in fact it's over 10 years now. I
know I don't live in Nottingham, which is in the East Midlands if you didn't
know, but it is less than an hour by car to the ground from my house. Well,
it is the way I drive! I spend way more money than I actually have on match
tickets, shirts, videos, socks....hell, anything Forest related really.
All in all I guess you'd say my first love is football, and more specifically
Nottingham Forest.
My life so far has consisted mainly of academic work. I have 8 GCSE's, 4 A-Levels, and I have a Degree in Psychology from the University of Sunderland.
My job-title is "Corporate Accounts Manager" for Lasat Communications. These guys are a Danish modem manufacturer, although I am based in the UK offices, and my job is basically to deal with the marketing and distribution of the modems to the companies and shops that use/sell them. It's not a bad job, and I get to go to Denmark every few weeks to get drunk...er..sorry I mean for a sales meeting.
I love going out to pubs and clubs. I've been out around
Stoke, Nottingham, Leeds, Manchester, Birmingham, York, Sheffield, Liverpool,
Sunderland, Newcastle, Middlesboro, St Etienne, Lyon, Marseille, and loads
more places that I forget about now.
Even though my nearest city, Stoke, may not initially seem the most glamorous
night out, it was the home of the first British dance club; 'Shelleys', which
is where top DJ's such as Sasha, Dave Seaman, Alister Whitehead, and Jeremy
Healy first started mixing. Also, the dance night 'Golden' was founded in
Stoke. 'Golden' being one of the best events of the month in both Stoke and,
during its expansion further north, Manchester. It has recently moved it's
residency back to Stoke however. Stoke would be one of the best nights out
in the country if it wasn't for the fact that it is so close to Manchester,
Nottingham, and Birmingham, who steal the lime-light.
I like to think of myself as a music fan; that is, I love all music. However,
that boring indie nonsense ( Pulp, Suede, Ocean Colour Scene etc) does my
head in! :) Cheer up you
miserable buggers!!! Up-lifting beats ahoy!
I have found time to dabble in the odd sport as well. I have played Hockey for Newcastle-under-Lyme School, North Stafford Club, and the University of Sunderland. I have played a bit of football too, and in fact I was the proud winner of the Keele University 2 week Puma Football Course's 'Most Valuable Player' award..........when I was 13! I have won a few 5-a-side tournaments in my time, but all I got each time was a poxy badge!! :( Still, I was also top goalscorer in two of the three tournaments I have won, (I was actually goaly in the other), so if anyone out there needs a tricky little attacking midfielder...............
I have a brother, Justin, and a sister,
Alison.
Justin used to
work for 'Cable and Wireless', and was actually the second best salesman
in the country during his years there. He now runs an advertising company
and, as you'd expect, he's raking in a fair bit of cash. However, he spends
it quicker than it comes in. He has a weakness for designer labels, fancy
holidays (he enjoys the sights and sounds of Cuba), and rather flash cars.
At the moment he has a Mercedes SL500 convertible that used to belong to
Howard Donald....the hippy-lookalike from Take That. It kinda puts my VW
Golf in the shade somewhat :(
It's good being his little brother though, as I get all the clothes and stuff
he doesn't want. And believe me, the guy has so much stuff that I literally
get suitcases worth of new clothes he has hardly/never worn!! Yes, I am a
dedicated follower of fashion. :)
Alison is a former respiratory nurse, and now works as a physiotherapist at Stockport Hospital. And her boyfriend, Tim, is a 'British Airways' pilot who is based in Manchester. So if you ever hear an announcement from Captain Fox, I suggest you buckle up. Because he's a pilot, he gets free flights anywhere in the world, and he can get friends and family cheap ones. He's also handy for Duty Free stuff. So, yes, he is my favourite potential brother-in-law!!!
My
dad has led what you might call
an 'interesting life'. He was in the 'Royal Signals' in the army for a few
years, based in Cyprus and separating the Greeks and the Cypriots. He never
'saw' any front-line fighting, although he was shot at, and of course returned
fire with his trusty Sten Gun, by a few Greeks. The 'Royal Signals', if you
don't know, are the 'backroom staff' of the army, and my dads role was to
drive soldiers and equipment around. Then when he left the army he worked
for his dad, who owned a large building company. Hobby wise my dad was a
Scramble bike racer, and a British Stock Car racer. In fact, my dad is one
of the most famous Stock car drivers in the country...even now!
Stock cars are not big business anymore, and only a few die hard fans travel
around watching the 15 or so cars that are left. Belle Vue Raceway, Doncaster,
was knocked down a long time ago, the interest has gone in the sport, with
Rally cars and F1 taking over. But, in the 60s and early 70s it was very
popular, and my dad was one of the best! Having said that, I always cringe
when dad mentions getting the photo's out :)
After that my dad took over his fathers building company for a few years,
then bought a car garage. My dad was actually the first garage owner in the
country to import American Cars. Another claim to fame there! I still hadn't
been born at this time, and missed all the fun.
By the time I'd been born my dad had decided to stop being so interesting.
He still owned the garage for a bit, but then sold it and bought some flats
and industrial units. Which he still owns and rents out.
The only other thing to mention about my dad is that he has driven trucks
full of First Aid to Bosnia, Albania, and Romania. He's a nice guy like
that.
My mum leads a
busy life. She is also still 'with-it' musically, ie she likes some of the
stuff I like :), although she is more of a Cliff Richard fan than I would
deem healthy.
Currently President of 'Inner Wheel', the womens "Rotary" club, she attends
meetings and meals all over the midlands. Just an excuse for free grub and
booze if you ask me!
She is my dads secretary, and does all the number crunching and letter writing
that my dad hates. A good old 'house-wife' too, my mum somehow manages to
keep my dad, the cat, dogs, and myself all fed and happy. She does this and
still never misses an Errol Flynn film!
Finally, we also have 2 dogs, both West Highland Whites, who do nothing but fight with each other, and a cat who just sleeps and eats all day and night. A bit like me really.
Richard
Richard is a man who knows what he wants. Namely,
Babylon 5, Star Trek, Babylon 5, and Star Trek. Of course, he has other
interests. Er...he likes to drink tea a lot, and holds the world record for
the number of mugs collected in one room at any one time.
Richard has mastered the art of Tekken however, and he can be often heard
uttering the immortal words "dya like that? dya want some more?" from his
room. And, despite quite clearly not passing his test, Richard continues
to elude the law by driving around in a car held together with grouting and
staples.
But, make no bones about it, Richards intellect is second to none, and when
he discovers the cure for all of man's ills, I will be able to hold my head
up high and say, " That lad Rich.....he's alright he is".
Chris
Chris is very much the ladies man. Ever on the lookout
for a new conquest, he uses them and discards them without a hint of guilt.
But he does have bad points.
When he's not ravaging and pillaging the women of Sunderland and Wakefield,
Chris enjoys water-sports and pocket billiards. The one down-side to Chris's
life is his somewhat unhealthy interest in animal programs. He becomes visibly
excited even at the thought of Rolf Harris stroking a hippo's head. His
fascination is such that he sometimes finds it difficult distinguishing between
humans and other animals, calling humans "peckers", when clearly that is
a description of one of the Tit family. Be it blue or red.
Still, Chris also has extra-ordinary cognitive skills, and his Noble Peace
prize for research into "Stuff, and it's uses", was well deserved.
Steve T.
Before I start I would like to point out that it is
not the case that Steve doesn't know how to use his car stereo, it is just
that he's a busy man, what with the seat-belt market experiencing a boom,
and he hasn't had time to learn.
Steve works at 'Seatbelts R Us'. His £52,000 a year salary reflects
just what a hard job Steve does. His jobs include photocopying and licking
stamps.
When Steve is not making sure we get whip-lash in car crashes, he is a PR
consultant for 'York and the surrounding area'. He is equally as enthusiastic
about this job, and he can often be heard remarking, "She's from York she
is. I seen her 'round town". Indeed, I had no idea so many famous people
came from York until Steve pointed them out...again, and again, and again...
In Steve's favour, he doesn't make many mistakes with women. In fact,
he has only ever slept with one women that he regrets! An achievement I'm
sure we all wish we could claim.
Wes
Well, here we have young Wesley. Possibly the only Manchester United fan north of Watford. He hails from the lovely Salford, and therefore most of his family are in jail. He was forced to flee Manchester when he made the mistake of ordering a bottle of 'Two Dogs' in a local pub, which as we all know is a girls drink. Wes is studying "Breaking and Entering II" at Uni', and so is following in the well-hidden footsteps of his dad, brother, uncles, and indeed most of Salford. Wes was actually in line to be King a few years back, but he forgot to send in the form. On a more serious note, I wish Wes all the best, and suggest he moves to Surrey, where all the other Man Utd fans are.
Sean (the sheep)
Shaun is a right grumpy bugger. When asked to be nice 'cos it's christmas, Sean replied "bah humbug". He never goes out, never seems to drink, dresses appalingly, and yet gets all the birds! It must be his exotic blood, as he is actually 43.6% Japanese. Either that or he wows the girls with his minor addiction to text-based internet games. On the bright side, Sean has no skin complaints at present. However this will change, as he is seeing a girl from Lancaster at the moment, who as we know have more diseases than Pigeons. Sean also lives in Coventry. Of which there is no excuse.
Rish
Good old Rish, possibly the worlds most talkative man. He is also the stereo-typical Manchester United fan. Born in Italy, half-Asian, and working in Canada. Recently he under-went therapy to cure his habit of thinking Cantona is the worlds greatest person. However, despite the constant examples of the fact that Cantona was in fact an arrogant, fouling, temperamental git, who is mad in the head, the therapy failed. Rish also supports Juventus, so he is clearly not a glory-hunting scumbag then :)
It has to be said though, that Rish has quite the most fantastic job. Working with the Canadian FA in order to create blue-prints for a large scale outdoor league. He is also paid lots. Whether this is in the form of an above board wage, or brown envelopes left in service stations, is unclear. Ever the manc-wannabe, Rish describes himself as "mad-frit". And who am I to argue?
Girlies....
It isn't that there are no girls in my life, indeed there are. It is just that to be honest they are more trouble than they are worth and so get no mention. Frankly I'd rather spend money on my car, it is far more reliable. No malice there eh?!
Me, in Marseilles, the day after the World Cup final ( hung-over? extremely!)
Myself and my mate Rich in Blackpool
j.bates@england.com